Look at him!
This man is a god to me.
It is, of course, Peter Falk as Colombo -one of my all time heroes, and one of my all time favorite TV shows.
I used to skip lectures at uni, just to watch it
And i've attracted a fair bit of stick over the years for my obsession with the man in the mack.
Why do i like it so much?
I know WHY I like it: that you see how the murder was committed; the 70's styling and music; the celeb murderers (william shatner, leonard nimoy, donald pleasance -even Johnny Cash!1); the directors who cut their teeth on the show (steven spielburg directed an episode); and, of course, Peter Falk.
Sure, I understand why I like it -but why do I like it SO MUCH?
Why do train spotters love trains? Why do girls love sex and the city? Why do birds suddenly appear every time you are near?
It's a mystery
like the changing of the seasons and tides of the sea2
Anyway, it turns out that all those hours watching colombo weren't such a waste of time after all
You will recall, last time, i'd been robbed -$200, cash, taken from my wallet as I slept- and i'd bluffed phoning the cops in order to try and get a reaction from whomever took the money
And one person was definitely acting weird
But before we point the finger: an elementary lesson in detective work
Anyone who is a fan of colombo -or any of these old school detective/murder mystery tv shows- will know that the sleuth typically operates using the time-honored triumvirate of detection: Means, Motive and Opportunity
Let's use Darryl as an example, now he has been eliminated as a suspect:
Darryl had the MEANS: he knew, because of what had happened earlier that evening3 that I had circa $200 in my wallet.
He had the MOTIVE: he'd “caught” me in bed with his girl.
And he had OPPORTUNITY: he lives in the staff basement, and so could have sneaked into the room anytime when we were all passed out
So that didn't look too good -that's why I needed to force the confrontation.
However Means, Motive and Opportunity are not enough -you need proof4
In fact, the police in our modern age -in this time of DNA fingerprinting and “motiveless” crime- usually dispense with old triumvirate of detection altogether and proceed directly to the triumvirate of conviction: Physical Evidence, Witnesses, Confession (with the first two having primacy; the latter to circumnavigate the courtroom)
Let's apply the triumvirate of conviction to my case, shall we?
PHYSICAL EVIDENCE: It was money that was stolen and, unless the money was marked (which it wasn't), completely untraceable.
WITNESSES: The crime happened in the middle of the night and we were all asleep; no witnesses.
CONFESSION: Means nothing without at least one (or preferably both) of the above.5
This is why going to the police was not an option -was never an option- as the crime was totally unprovable.
However, just because you can't prove something, doesn't mean you can't work out who did the crime: Means, Motive and Opportunity, remember...
It's time to don my dirty mac, light a cigar and ask “Ah... just one more thing...”6
TO BE CONTINUED....
1Swan Song -the holy grail of colombo episodes. A friend actually bought me it on DVD for my birthday so I could see it. Cheers tiggy!
2But here's the one that's driving me berserk/why do only fools and horses work? Na na na na nah na na na na nah etc etc
3See post "From Worse to, um, Worser" for a refresher, bitches
4Or in the case of colombo, because the murderers are so darstedly, an extremely clever (and judicially dubious) piece of entrapment.
5This is not to say I wasn't tempted to get one or two of my more, ahem, ghetto friends to “lean” on the person in question. But that really isn't my style.
6I still can't believe I actually got to “be” colombo for a few days. Talk about dreams coming true! It was almost worth being robbed for. Almost.
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