The End of the Affair

The story so far....
Dan has bored the shit out of his readers by posting about a gig when he should be spilling the dirt on his so-called private life. I mean, who wants to hear about once-in-a-lifetime gigs, right? People wanna hear the bad stuff, it’s human nature.
Hasn't what happened to kathi slaked your thirst for human misery, you muthafucking vultures!
So, last time, Dan was walking toward the lower east side, walking and thinking, thinking and walking, waiting for his confrontation with kim....

After walking for, like, 50 blocks i decide i’d better get the subway over to brooklyn.
for once the subway gods are with me and i arrive early
so i sit on the stoop of kim’s building drinking coffee like a total loser
eventually she comes down and we walk and talk[1]

She doesn’t want me to come up to her room, which is obviously a Bad Sign
So our conversation happens in the street, and ends up in burger king –i thought it appropriate, seeing as i’ve been dumped in one of those before[2]

Without going into too much detail, kim gives me the “let’s be friends” spiel
She’s setting up a business, doesn’t want this right now etc etc
On top of that, she thinks i’m a jekyll-and-hyde because of the previous day's antics
Doesn’t matter if i swear to her i’m not –and i’m not, right?- she’s only known me a few weeks and we’ve only dated a few times
And she’s had plenty of guys spin her similar bullshit in the past
So she’d rather just be friends
But it’s here that something strange happens
Normally i’d be like “OK, let’s be friends”
But out of nowhere I say,” No i don’t wanna be your friend”
Whether this is NY Dan or something else, i don’t know[3]
But i’m like, “Kim I’m an all or nothing guy. I found the whole casual relationship, dating thing really confusing. I mean, how often should you see someone, call them on the phone? Can you see other people? Are you supposed to negotiate this stuff at the start? It’s bullshit, really. So here’s the deal: either we have a relationship or we don’t see each other at all. I’m not gonna become one of these guys [and she has a few across the country] who are your friends, when really what they want is to be with you. I did that shit in my early twenties, and i promised myself i wouldn’t go back there again. That kind of stuff is OK, maybe even necessary, when you’re 21, but now i’m pushing 31. I’m too old for all that nonsense.”
So kim says, “Well I really don’t want a relationship right now.”
Me: “OK then, I guess this is goodbye.”[4]
I give her the headphones –i was glad to be rid of the bloody things, they’d caused me nothing but grief- and she gives me back the mini speakers i’d lent to her.[5]

The whole conversation is very civilized –i actually feel quite cheery, to be honest. We really haven’t known each other long enough for it to be a huge deal.
There’s only one time it gets heated –on the question of trust.
Kim : “You shouldn’t trust people unless you want to get fucked over.”
Me: “I’m always going to trust people Kim. That’s who i am. I’d rather trust people than not.”
Kim: “That’s fine if you want to be like that, but not when it’s with someone else’s stuff.”
And I have to concede that she was right on that point.[6]

So we run out of things to say, and i walk her back to her apartment; a hug goodbye and a kiss on the cheek
The vibe is really quite cool, kind of “the timing was wrong, it’s a shame”
We agree that in maybe a few months time, when we’re both more settled, we could try dating again or something
And that was that
On the subway back to manhattan, i feel a little glum. The dating thing aside, Kim is the person i’ve known for longest in new york and we’d been through some trauma together[7]
But now all that shit was over
So i decide to cheer myself up with a bit of retail therapy.
I get off the subway at 34th and 8th, withdraw $250 from HSBC[8] and go to B&H
B&H is this electronics store, run by orthodox jews. Practically everybody there is jewish!
It’s a really great store, a tech-heads wet dream, and the staff are super friendly and knowledgeable
But then I have word with myself and decide that purchase buying a digital camera without checking my bank balance is probably pretty stupid
So I go home instead, tell my friends what’s happened
And they tell me Jayson has been fired9
And at the time I felt vindicated -he loses job, I lose girl; all's fair in love and war, right?
The way I saw it then was, if he hadn't taken the headphones then I wouldn't have got mad, and if he'd left me alone I wouldn't have got REALLY mad and had to leave in the middle of my shift; management wouldn't have needed to know, and I wouldn't have got shirty with kim, because I wouldn't have been so wound up.
Now? I don't know. Someone should have put the brakes on.
Because we haven't reached the nadir yet, oh no
Cause and effect, my friends, cause and effect....

TO BE CONTINUED....
[1] I’d just like to say, for the benefit of past and future girlfriends, that i am not usually so candid about my personal relationships. Discretion is my watchword! But in order to get the context right for the shitstorm that happens next, it’s necessary. And besides kim is writing an autobiography –she’s had an interesting life- and i figure if she’s prepared to make her life public domain for money (maybe), then she can’t really complain if i choose to make mine public domain, for free. And i might as well get my side of things in first –attack is the best form of defense (as my chess/RTS opponents will attest)! I’ve tried to be as honest about conversations as my not-so-great memory will allow, and any text messages i quote are taken verbatim from my phone.

[2] If you’re reading this, you know who you are!

[3] I like to think this is my subconscious mind in action, saving my ass (yet again). I’ve bored too many people with my obsession with the subconscious, but i’ve gotta say once again, it’s an incredible thing. It’s like having a super smart, super wise version of yourself looking over your shoulder, giving you a nudge at just the right moments.

[4] This is obviously a contraction of a longer conversation.

[5] At the time of writing she still owes me $50 i lent her when she was completely penniless, and Maus by Art Spiegelman (we have a shared interest in the holocaust). I don’t expect to see the book or the money again. You’ll see why.

[6] But I didn’t (and still don’t) agree with her on the general issue of trust. She’s not alone in this opinion. I’ve lost count of the number of people who’ve said to me “Trust no one”. But I’m like, “Trust no one? Gimme a break. What is this, the fucking X-files?”

[7] Back when we were just friends, we had a nightmare day schlepping her stuff (three suitcases) around the city by subway. And when she moved back to NY, i went with her looking at some of the grottiest apartments in manhattan. Man, some of those places were crack dens!

[8] HSBC may be up there with the most evil fucks on the planet, but banking with them has certain advantages for the international traveller. Like a preferential exchange rate and no ATM fee. So i always try to withdraw from their machines. Also I would never walk around manchester with that amount of cash on me. But Manhattan is easily the safest place i’ve ever lived, and i’m including Sudbury AND Long Melford. I’ve walked across Manhattan Island, 50 odd blocks, at 4am on a Sunday morning high as a kite on morphine and never once felt in danger. (I’ll save the morphine story for another time).

9 I found out later that they'd been looking to fire jayson for a number of reasons. What happened with me just gave them the pretext. So it wasn't totally down to me.