A Day In The Life Of A New York Dogwalker

I had a funny afternoon dogwalking last week

In fact I was moved to write a blow-by-blow account of what happened for the owner of the dog i was walking, and for kathi

by the time i was done, and i'd read it back to myself, i thought -hmm looks and reads like a blog post (without my terrible potty-mouth). Might as well blog it!

If you are not interested in dogs and doggie matters (or what i do for a living in NY), you might want to skip this post

But on the other hand -there is a car crash... and somebody gets bit by a great dane!

Here are some picture of the hounds in question: Lucy and Obi

Sooooo cute! They are good doggies! Oh yes they are! Oh yesyesyesyes!

(but not every day; below is the text of the email i sent)

Ok this is a bit of a, ha ha, shaggy dog story

-are we sitting comfortably? Then we'll begin.

(i'll write in the present tense, if you don't mind, I find it easier)

OK, so after I pick up Lucy I get to obi's place about 12.30

Obi does not come greet

uh-oh, I think

but he has made no messes, just lying on his bed in the bedroom looking sorry for himself

I try to get him enthused -no dice

so I have to leash him up with him lying down

I even have to lift his chin up!

But once we're out on the street he's fine

So I make the call to take him to the dog run

But maybe it is a little soon for the dog run since his illness

He lifts his leg 2 or 3 times once we're in the dog run

At one point he sits down -so I think, ok, just ten mins today

but it ends sooner than that

Obi has a stick

And a boston terrier (whose name is fred, it turns out) wants the stick

So Obi has a go at Fred -growling/snarling

(they had not been introduced, and it wouldn't have happened if they had, but still -no excuses)

Luckily I am right there, so I get Obi by the collar, tell him “NO”, pull him away

But the problem is, the terrier is so small, and obi is so big

Fred just sidles around like a crab so he's always facing obi, barking/snarling

so crucially, I can't break eye contact between them

After a few seconds of this, obi reaches breaking point

He LUNGES

But I could sense him about to do it, and I'd kept a little of my (not great!) strength in reserve

(and i'm quicker than that big lunk too)

I PULL him back, and at the same time plant my leg in the way

The upshot of which is obi bites me on the thigh

(i'd just like to reiterate, obi was not going for me, his target was fred; and he has done me no damage, just obi-spit on my pants, and I think i'll have some obi-tooth shaped bruises on my leg)

But this is now TOTALLY UNACCEPTABLE

and STILL no one has dealt with fred, who's STILL getting in obi's face!

so I yell “HEY, WHOSE DOG IS THIS?”

So finally the guy comes over and we can break it up

I'm not happy with obi, obviously

We walk away and I grab his leash from where I left it

Tell him it's over for today

I have difficulty getting him to sit too -but I do and I get the leash on

Then I tell him off -and it's like kathi's voice is coming out of my mouth!

“OBI -NO! NEVER DO THAT, NEVER! THAT IS NOT ACCEPTABLE! NOT EVER!”

He gets the message

I tie him to the bench, and seek out the owner of fred

I apologise for obi's behaviour, tell him that obi can get possessive, but he's a puppy, and he's normally very placid

And you know what this guy says to me?

“Yeah I don't think I've ever seen a great dane so cranky”

What an asshole!

I walked away from that, collected lucy

but here's what I wanted to say:

“Hey, it was YOUR dog that started on MY dog, remember?

YOUR dog tried to steal obi's stick

and YOU didn't rush over here to help ME break it up

so now MY dog looks like the monster to the rest of the dog run

thanks a bunch, buddy”

So I'm still fuming about that as I walk the dogs back

(meantime I am giving obi the cold shoulder for his disgraceful behavior -it is also now that he finally takes a dump: which was small and perfectly formed! And the only good thing he's done today)

But then something nice happens

a guy riding his bike pulls up, asks if I mind if he pets obi

(obi doesn't deserve it, but I say OK)

Turns out he is the owner of the infamous Oreo!

(Oreo is another black great dane, female, and every time I walk obi in central park at least one person asks if he is oreo. I tell obi: “hey big guy, I hate to break your heart but your celebrity status is diminished -you're not the only black great dane in town!”)

so we chat for a while, which is good because I get to vent about the prick in the dog run

I also offer mine and kathi's services -but I don't have a card! damn!

But he tells me to look him up

His name is Ben Herman, and he lives on W94

Seems like a very nice man, obviously LOVES great danes

He was unsure whether he needed dogwalking, but he was very keen that we should set obi and oreo up on a “date” (but a date that leads nowhere, seeing as how they have both been “fixed”) in the dog run

I am keen too -it is not often obi has the chance to play with someone his size

So maybe we could all (me, kathi, chris, alison, ben, his wife) do that, one weekend?

that'd be nice -and they'd be some great photo ops too!

I told him I (or kathi) would give him a call, and he bikes off

So that was pleasant after the unpleasantness

The dogs and I set off again

And obi is being a pain in the butt!

Slams the brakes on; tries to grab lucy's leash

(I know why he's doing it -he doesn't understand why I, who is usually at his beck and call, am ignoring him)

Well, as we all know, we do not give attention to children who seek it by being bad

The only attention I give him are corrections

We get back to obi's place

And he is a good boy and sits without being asked to for the end-of-walk routine

So I get the leash off him, hang it up

I am just about to make my peace with him -which was my plan all along- but when my back was turned, he starts on lucy!

Not seriously, just a butt with his big old head

(I think this is jealously because I wasn't giving the Lucy the silent treatment -and why should I? She has been an EXTREMELY good dog today, unlike certain great dane puppies I could mention)

So that is the final straw

I take him by the collar and put him in his crate -as well as punishment i didn't trust him not to destroy something today, he's in such a funny mood

(But here is my theory about his recent behavior -he is now a teenager! I was a nightmare when I was a teenager too

I don't think I ever bit anybody though)

Before lucy and I leave, I make up with him though the bars of the crate

so no hard feelings

but I tell him I expect to see a reformed dog for the morning walk tomorrow!

(He just need to get over his thing with “possessions” -maybe I should take him to Strawberry Fields tomorrow, play him Imagine.... My headphones are obi sized too, ha ha)

But wait -that is not the end of the story! (what, there's more??)

When lucy and I get outside we 'bump' into a lady walking her dog who lives in the building

I'm not sure what the breed is, some kind of fluffy terrier I think

(my sister got me some puppy top trump cards for christmas this year -i am going to use them to “bone up” [no pun intended, honest. Well, maybe a little bit] on the breeds)

anyway lucy's tail is wagging so I let them say hello to each other

and they do so in the most adorable manner you can imagine

the lady actually says “Oh, isn't that adorable!”

Then she says, “Oh I think I know this one, I've seen your boss walking her. And I have to say, I think she's a little heavy handed.”

ho-ho!

oh dear oh dear

boy, did she pick the wrong person to say THAT to

especially since I'm still “juiced” from my tussle with the big guy

So this is what I say -in a very calm, sweet-as-you-like manner:

“Hey, if it wasn't for kathi and her “heavy handedness” you and I would not be having this conversation, and the dogs would not be having THEIR conversation because Lucy would be going ballistic at your dog. Last year, before kathi got her hands on her, she was a terror, crazy. You couldn't take her down the street without a battle. Now look-”

And, right on cue, lucy looks up at us and wags her tail as if to say “look what I happy dog I am!”

Good on you, lucy!

So then this lady-who-knows-better says: “Well, there are ways other than-”

I cut her off: “We'll have to agree to disagree. Kathi's way is the best way, i've seen the results. C'mon luce.”

And with that we trot off into the sunset (metaphorically).

The moral of the story: Don't hate on kathi if i'm in earshot!

Now that was going to be the end of the story, but there is an epilogue that will have you cheering inside

After I drop off lucy, I walk to the 96^th st/central park west subway to go home

Just as I get there, a car doing 50 or 60mph down central park west jumps the red light and SLAMS right into the side of a car pulling out of 96

there are maybe 25 people milling around the subway entrance who all saw it happen

both drivers get out of their cars unscathed

but guess who else was there to see it -the NYPD!

me and a couple of other people were like, “that guy is soooooooo busted!”

people who speed down central park west I have a personal hatred for

it's one of my nightmares that one day i'll be crossing the street to get to the park and one of these jokers will jump a light and hit one of the dogs

Well that's one less idiot to worry about!

ha ha

(and it's nice to see someone get arrested who deserves it, for a change)

Sorry for the EXTREMELY long mail -but what a crazy afternoon!

now for a lie down....

Dan